


A House Divided Cannot Stand

by nate_heywood



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Cheez-Its, Everyone is in on the antics, F/M, Kissing, Peraltiago, Romance, just my attempt at some fluff and humor b99 style, just two dorks in love, kind of like the Halloween Heist if you squint, minor argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-22 06:19:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19661566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nate_heywood/pseuds/nate_heywood
Summary: In which the entire squad somehow ends up caught in the middle of a heated argument about superior Cheez-its flavors. Prepare for crazy shenanigans, my attempt at humor, and romance even in the oddest of situations.(Set during Season 5)





	1. Chapter 1

As soon as the elevator slid open with a cheery ding, Jake sprinted out across the bullpen. He barreled toward the door of the briefing room, throwing it open just before he rammed into it. Although all the eyes in the room turned to him, he just held up a finger as if to tell them to just wait a second. He doubled over, panting heavily. After a few wheezing breaths, he recovered enough to glance around the room.

However, just as quickly as everyone in the room looked over at him, they had gone back to sitting in silence. After all, the whole precinct was used to Jake being at least fifteen minutes late every day to the point where arriving at any other time would be completely out of character. The one time Jake had shown up early, he got so many comments about it on his way up that he ended up being late.

The only thing missing from the situation was Captian Holt prattling on about the newest case assigned to the precinct. While that would typically be Jake's favorite part of the morning, he had been assigned a kick-ass drug bust which he desperately wanted to get back to.

After what Jake assumed was a solid minute of staring, Holt spoke up, "Peralta, what did I say about being late last time? As well as the time before? And two Wednesdays ago? And December 16th?"

Holt continued to come up with times he reprimanded Jake, keeping track of them on his fingers. Although Jake tried everything from raising his hand to waving to get his attention, the slight furrowing of his eyebrows showed he was too deep in concentration to notice or care.

"Uh, don't do it?" Jake said, mainly to break the silence. "Besides, I can just piece things together."

A series of images were strewn out across the whiteboard as if someone has dropped their folder of extremely gory and disturbing images. In the top corner, a perfect suburban family smiled in front of a brick house. However, the image depicting the mother's dead body ridden with bullet holes kind of ruined the mood. Jake simply skimmed over the rest of the items on the board, already having reached a conclusion.

"So, Homer Simpson here got his hands on a gun because America is extremely _wack_. So he killed his wife and there's not enough information to indict him. Meaning the fabulous detectives of the 99 have to find some more or annoy him into confessing," Jake said.

Holt cleared his throat. "Very eloquently spoken. If you could not tell, I'm trying to be _sarcastic_. Sergeant Jeffords has informed me that it is hard to tell."

Jake simply nodded, figuring (for once) that contributing anything else to conversation wouldn't exactly be useful. Instead, he plopped down next to Charles and sunk back into his chair. He rummaged through the pockets of his hoodie past the endless candy wrappers and reminders scrawled on napkins. Finally, the managed to pull out his breakfast: a smushed bag of cheez-it's.

He tuned out Captain Holt's words, single-minded in his pursuit to finish the bag. The first time he looked up, everything seemed to be normal. Holt continued talking, Amy had his eyes glued on him, and Hitchcock and Scully chuckled after doing God knows what in the back of the room. However, the second time was apparently when everything went to shit. When he popped his head up, just to make sure people didn't think he was completely spacing out, he noticed that everyone was staring right at him. He knew something had to be weird as even Amy, who two seconds ago had been intently focusing on Holt, changed her attention to him. Sure, it wasn't like he was at all opposed, but it definitely wasn't normal.

He did a quick double-take just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating or simply going insane. With a mouth full of Cheez-its, he decided to investigate (like a good detective should, obviously).

"What?"

If Jake had expected the uproar that followed, he never would've said anything. Every voice in the squad talked over each other until reaching the point of yelling. Jake leapt up from his spot instantly and threw his hands up in defense. He figured the only way to fight fire was with fire, which meant yelling into the commotion.

"Okay, okay! One at a time," he shouted.

"I thought you agreed to eat normal breakfast food. I left a dozen eggs for you in the fridge," Amy protested.

"The heart wants what it wants, Ames, you can't stop fate," Jake replied, a huge smile lighting up his face.

Jake paused before pointing directly at his best friend, "Alright, Charles next. I'm going to need some encouragement after that brutal attack. Really, Santiago, suggesting I would go anywhere near chicken babies for the most important meal of the day? How cruel."

"Well, Jake, normally I would be totally, 100%, completely beyond in agreement with you, because, you know, obviously we're besties, but you're eating white cheddar cheez-its," Charles started.

"Yeah, so?"

Charles placed his hands against the table and practically jumped up from his seat. He held his hands out in front of him as if he was about to give an important sermon. Although he took a deep breath, clearly ready to project, his eyes were trained on Jake with an odd, burning intensity.

"You really don't need to stand. I-" Jake could hardly rush a few words out before Charles started to speak.

"As you know, I'm quite the food connoisseur , so I normally wouldn't enjoy Cheez-its, but they're actually a Boyle family tradition," Charles raised his voice through the groans. "Ever since the Wisconsin Boyles brought them to a family gathering, they made history. But white cheddar is a disgrace to the family name. One time, poor Tommy Boyle actually got kicked out of the family for doing it. It's not great. You end up blocked from all the family group chats, which is basically like missing out on the greatest endless party in the world."

Jake let Charles run through his story, nodding randomly just to put him under the impression he was still listening to it.

"Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool," Jake surveyed the room. "So, my best friend and fiancé have abandoned me, so, is anyone actually with me?"

"We're with you, Jakey!" Scully piped up from the back.

"Yeah," Hitchcock said. "All of the _many_ ladies I've been with disagree, but I would venture to say that white cheddar cheez-its are the most sensual food known to mankind."

It only took a single exaggerated wink to make every single person in the room gag. Even Rosa and Holt's typically stoic faces revealed utter disgust. The only one seemingly unaffected was Scully, who simply sat at the table, tapping his fingers along the desk.

"Okay, first of all, gross. Second, you're disqualified from the whole supporting me thing. Scully, you're in the clear, but, Hitchcock, please never speak again. I think it would be best for humanity," Jake said.

Scully huffed. "Well, Hitchcock and I are actually a package deal. And we, the greatest duo since peanut butter and jelly, or, dare I say it, cheese and marinara sauce, are going on strike!"

He looked pleased with himself, as if he had just delivered the most inspiring and emotional speech of all time. Evidently riding out that high, he strode out of the room, Hitchcock following behind like a lost dog. He knew the two were inseparable, but Jake figured even Scully wasn't completely impervious to Hitchcock's unfiltered comments. He supposed, after years of knowing them, he should take a more pessimistic outlook on their dynamic.

"Alright," Holt said. "Now that two of our detective have left, can we continue discussing the case?"

Slight nods of agreement and mumbled affirmations followed. Based on their flat expressions, no one seemed to care enough to protest, but they also didn't seem too interested in putting on a show.

"Nah, I'm with Peralta," Rosa said.

Jake had long since learned that, for her, that was the equivalent of pleading her undying loyalty to him. As much as he tried to stifle his excitement, as usual, he was unsuccessful.

"Heck yeah!" Jake exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.

He quickly relaxed and pulled a straight face as if nothing had ever happened. Following this sudden derailing of the conversation, Terry went against Jake, saying something about 'Terry loves cheez-its and he knows which kinds are the best'. Gina, after some intentional staring in her direction from Jake, finally succumbed to the side of white cheddar cheez-its. Throughout the whole process, Holt just seemed to slump more in his spot in disappointment.

Finally, the moment of truth came for Jake: asking Amy to be on his side. He considered it perhaps more stressful than proposing to her during the Halloween Heist. He didn't even have to verbalize his request, instead just throwing another pointed glance in her direction. He was getting scarily good at them. However, when Amy winced, Jake knew it was all over

"Babe, you know I'm an original girl. Remember last week at the park when we went to that sketchy food stand with the man and his pigeon friend? I picked out the regular Cheez-its in no time flat," Amy said.

Jake pulled a dramatic expression straight of a superhero movie. He focused his eyes into the distance as if he was a movie star with thousands of cameras zooming in on him. He half expected the entire precinct to suddenly erupt into war. Unfortunately, he had to settle for the next best thing which was stomping over to the door. Although he threw a glance back at Gina and Rosa, they either didn't pick up on it or didn't care.

"Gina, Rosa, you're missing your cue," Jake pretended to cough into his elbow as he spoke.

Although it was clearly the least subtle action on Earth, both women got up with a sigh. Jake spun around, backing toward the exit to keep his eyes on the 'opposition'. However, this turned out badly for him as he slammed right into the door. He managed to recover by staggering onto his feet, but he doubted his pride ever would. That was, if it even existed anymore in the first place.

"This isn't over," he shouted, throwing his hands up again.

He finally managed to actually open the door before walking out, entering the bullpen with a small groan. He had no idea what he just got himself into, but Jake Peralta was not one to back down.

___________

The evidence locker was only dimly lit, a small candle burning in the back of the room. It wasn't like having the candle lit the entire time was that great of a sacrifice for Jake. It was a gift from his aunt, but he never actually burned it because one whiff revealed that it smelled like absolute ass. Additionally, the security cameras in the room could easily expose their secret plans if they didn't sit in complete darkness and whisper.

The dim lighting and the fact Jake was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed reminded him of the scenes in the movies where they summoned demons. He figured he wouldn't have that issue, as the whole situation was literally just three friends sitting on the ground of a police building. Summoning Satan wasn't his intention, unless it would help him win this argument. In that case, he was willing to go to Hell if that's what summoning Satan entailed.

"So the pressing question is, why did we both get a letter with a sticker figure John McClane telling us to come to the evidence room? As a side note, Jake, honey, you really need some art lessons. I got a friend. Just let me know," Gina said.

"Uh, because a sticker figure John McClane is the coolest way to call together the Cheese Avengers," Jake replied as if it was common knowledge.

"The Cheese Avengers?" Rosa repeated. "Really?"

"The name is a work in progress. But, more importantly, we need a plan."

"Oh! Social media pressure. No one can take the heat for too long. Plus, I have plenty of things to make fun of Amy for," Gina said.

Jake paused, "so...making fun of my fiancé isn't exactly my go-to. Rosa, thoughts?"

Even though he pointed finger guns at her in an attempt to make the whole situation seem cooler, it was hardly successful. Being huddled on the ground with a candle reminded him more or a high school sleepover than a top-secret operation.

"We stare at them until they crumble," Rosa proposed.

As she was met with incredulous looks from both Jake and Gina, Rosa crossed her arms and decided to demonstrate. She fixed the pair with a stare straight out of an interrogation room. Her narrowed and unblinking eyes shifted between the two, causing both to shudder in their spot.

"Yeah, I guess I see what you mean," Jake said.

Clearly, he was downplaying the affect the stare had on him, but he wasn't about to admit that Rosa scared him. He didn't have to, though. The uncomfortable shifting made that pretty obvious.

"Or, since I doubt you guys could pull that off, we can get Jake to sway Amy. She can be the weak link," Rosa said.

"Can we please stop coming up with plans that get me manipulate the woman I literally just proposed to? It's not happening," Jake insisted.

Groans echoed around the dimly lit evidence locker. Gina's was undeniably the most dramatic, complete with her throwing her head back and rolling her eyes. Rosa's was subtle but somehow even more disparaging even though she only ever looked in Jake's direction once. Even Jake decided to groan along with the chorus. His own was completely mocking and exaggerated with chuckles sprinkled in periodically. It was 100% an odd situation.

"But," Jake held his hands up. "I actually think I have an idea."

A wide grin lit up his face as he shot up toward the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Amy Santiago has absolutely no idea how she got involved in a battle about Cheez-its. After all, she pretty much had her schedule down to a science, which was challenging in an ever-changing environment. However, one thing that she was certain is that she could complete at least one form by 9:21. Clearly, her plans had come crashing down as she just plopped down at her desk at 9:30.

She finally relaxed at her desk with a sigh. If nothing else, she could count on the fact the area would be pristine. At least, thought so. However, the moment that she opened her desk drawer, a practical mountain of white cheddar Cheez-its fell out. They scattered across the checkered floor of the bullpen in just about a blink of an eye. Even when she shifted slightly in her chair, they crunched beneath her. She was surrounded.

Ducking her head to look until the drawer, she discovered that someone had removed the panel from below it. At least, that explained why everything had fallen out. She figured it didn't exactly take a detective to find out who the culprit was.

"Jake!"

He spun around in his chair, "what's up my beautiful and amazing fiancé who could never hurt me or anything...unless I asked for it."

His smug expression and the wink that followed made it clear to Amy that he was the one who planted the Cheez-its in her desk. She walked over to his (much less organized) desk and leaned over it slightly as she continued the conversation.

"Oh please, Peralta, you can't handle the pain."

He gasped playfully, clutching at his chest as if he had just been shot, " How dare you, Santiago? I can handle so much pain. Did you know I stepped on a Lego? Twice?"

"I meant the pain of rejection," Amy said. "No kisses until you give this whole thing up. I prefer men who come on my side."

"Title of your sex tape?" Jake ventured.

The only response to the comment came in the form of her raised eyebrows and the slight shake of her head. Although everything in her expression was subtle, Jake had been around her enough to be able to understand perfectly what that meant.

"Yeah, I know. It's not my best work, but my mind's busy. Plotting takes a lot of energy," Jake said.

"Plotting?"

"Being a genius doesn't take _zero_ effort. This has all been part of my plan, Ames. I spent years after I met you without your kisses just to prepare for this, of course. Besides, you know I love you more than white cheddar Cheez-its."

For a ramble about Cheez-its, Jake's words were surprisingly effective at causing her heart to melt. She flashed him a warm smile.

"Maybe I'll just sneak in one little kiss," Amy smirked, leaning farther over his desk.

"I wouldn't be one to turn that down."

When their lips connected, it was nothing passionate or sloppy, but it was still magical. It was a chaste kiss, exchanged between two people absolutely in love. They had nothing to prove and no one to impress with their kiss. All that mattered at that moment in time was the two of them. It was as if they were moving, breathing, and even living in harmony.

Both of them pulled away completely breathless. The kiss itself was short, but Amy's breath hitched the minute she saw Jake's soft smile. Jake had been breathless the whole time, just in complete disbelief that he had somehow gotten the Amy Santiago to love him back.

"Wow, you guys really are a modern-day Romeo and Juliet."

Amy practically jumped at the voice behind her, spinning around to see Charles standing way too close to them for comfort. It wasn't like Charles hadn't spent the past five years obsessing over their relationship, but it was still equally creepy every single time.

"Seriously, Charles?"

_________

During this whole battle, Holt's office had been an asylum. By scowling at anyone who came near and having Gina make up every excuse she could think of, he made sure to steer clear of any kind of drama relating to snack food. Given that he had never even tried one in the first place, he didn't exactly consider himself the best arbiter for the whole situation anyway.

The serenity all came crashing down as both Jake and Amy bolted into his office. They almost tripped over each other multiple times, but that didn't exactly seem to deter them. Amy held an embroidered napkin, hardly matched in fanciness by the single Cheez-it in the center of it. Meanwhile, Jake had taken to cradling his Cheez-it like a baby. With his words, Jake seemed to read his mind.

"I swear, Captain, my hands are clean!" Jake shouted.

"I assigned cases to both of you," Holt sighed. "Santiago just has a minor B&E, but you, Peralta, have a major drug bust. Did you want me to reconsider who the case should go to?"

"Jake and I just wanted to try these," Amy set her's down for emphasis, followed a few seconds later by Jake, "and tell us which one is better."

Even looking at them caused Holt to wrinkle his nose, "I thought you of all people would be aware of the fact that I steer clear of the chemicals in these snacks. Last time I had a _cheese puff_ a bus exploded."

Jake decided not to bring up the fact that the only reason the bus actually ended up exploded was that Holt had put them in the engine. He figured he wanted as much goodwill as possible if he wanted to win his approval.

"Okay, well, Amy and I will just leave these here. No pressure or anything. Just pick the one you like the best," Jake said.

As Amy walked out of the office, Jake did a 180 pointed insistently at his Cheez-it. 'Pick mine,' he mouthed in an exaggerated fashion before striding out and slamming the door behind him. From there, Holt could catch a glimpse of him sprinting across the bullpen from his window.

_________

Jake climbed up on his desk with his arms spread out as if he was about to introduce a celebrity. He cupped his hands around his face to try to amplify his voice across the entire room.

"Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round. I have an announcement to make," he said.

He stood in the same place, watching as the people who milled around the bullpen formed a rough semi-circle. Between the tapping feet and crossed arms, Jake figured that he had to start his speech soon.

"Where's Charles? He loves it when I monologue. He records them every time," Jake paused to consider what he just said. "God, why do I actually want him to do that?"

After another quick glance around, he continued, "so, in the wise words of William Shakespeare, 'a house divided cannot stand', which means that we need to solve this cheesy dilemma with a compromise."

"Okay, so, first of all," Amy said. "That's Abraham Lincoln and also The Bible, but definitely not Shakespeare. At least, you remembered his first name, babe."

"Walter was close enough to William!" Jake protested. "But I'm taking that as Amy's support. Who else is with me?"

"Well, about that..." Terry trailed off.

The good news was that Jake no longer had to worry about where Charles was. The bad news was that he burst out of the elevator in a tattered Cheez-it suit. He strode over as if on a runway, coming to a stop directly in front of Jake.

"How did you even get that?" he asked.

"I had to fight a homeless man for it at Party City. It was quite a battle. Everyone was cheering. I ended up losing, but he gave it to me out of pity."

"Wow, okay," Jake said. "Impressive, but it doesn't change anything. We're still gonna win!"

After a few whoops from Gina, he lept off the table. However, it wasn't as cool as he anticipated. First, he ended up bending his ankle during the landing, and he was hardly able to stagger back to his desk after. Second, his chair was only a few inches away, so he easily could've slid right into it. Either way, there was no denying that Jake was determined. And for him, that might as well be a death wish.

_________

Amy had no idea why she proposed meeting in the supply closet on the second floor. Sure, it gave the trio some much needed privacy for their planning, but it also guaranteed that no matter where they shifted they ended up pressed uncomfortably close together. After a few minutes of plotting, they hardly came up with any ideas better than evacuating the whole precinct. Amy wasn't even sure where that idea came from in the first place, as it was pretty much guaranteed to make things worse. After the failure of Charles' plan, though, they were a bit more cautious with what they suggested.

"We need Holt to back us. I was this close to getting him to pick mine," Amy insisted.

"No way is that gonna work," Terry responded. "Don't kid yourself, Santiago."

"You need seduce Jake. He's the major player in this whole thing," Charles said.

Amy scoffed, "I am not playing with Jake's feelings just to win a stupid competition."

The entire room fell into silence as if a mute button had been pressed. Amy glanced back and forth between Charles and Terry before succumbing with a sigh.

"Fine, I'll do it. He'll understand, right? I mean it's all fun and games."

Amy decided not to include the 'until someone gets hurt' part, figuring it wasn't something she had to worry about. After all, Jake had spent years tricking people for the Halloween Heist. She decided few minutes of harmless flirting before incapacitating him couldn't be that horrible.

That was exactly how Amy ended up walking out into the bullpen with handcuffs tucked into her pocket. Although she practically knew her way to Jake's desk by heart at this point, she kept her eyes trained on him the entire way. He was reading over a case file, completely focused on his task (which was something rare for him). He buried his hands in his hair, scanning over the case with admiration she had only seen when he looked at her. To say she found it endearing would be an understatement.

"Can we talk?" Amy asked.

Jake practically jumped but managed to calmly look up from his work and straight into her eyes. His face lit up with what Amy would call the cutest smile on the face of the Earth.

"Is John McClane the most badass cop ever?" Jake asked, still grinning.

Of course, his confirmation had come in the form of a Die Hard reference. Sure, Jake may have been a little (a lot) obsessed with the movie, but it was one of the reasons she loved him. Listening to the passion in his voice and sparkle in his eyes whenever he talked about it was one of the most satisfying experiences for her.

Jake pressed up from his chair, ushering her to the break room dramatically. He sprawled our over the couch, practically taking up the whole thing. He looked back up at her with another one of his signature smiles.

"What's going on, Ames?" Jake asked.

"Well, I actually wanted to talk about this whole thing."

"You mean Cheese Endgame?"

"What?"

"Yeah, I know, nobody likes it. Name's still in progress," Jake replied, his smile fading slightly. "But actually, I wanted to talk too."

No matter how much she tried, so couldn't hide the small 'o' her mouth formed in surprise. She looked down at her watch, thinking about Terry and Charles, who were likely still waiting in the supply closet. It wasn't like she didn't want to hear what Jake had to say, she simply became too immersed in the whole competition.

"It's okay if you don't have time," Jake blurted out.

He clearly noticed the glance at her watch that she couldn't quite make subtle. Despite his words, his frown made it look like she just kicked his puppy. The fact that he didn't even have one made the situation that much worse.

"No, no, of course I have time. What's going on?"

He scooted off to the side a little bit before patting a spot on the couch next to him. She plopped down next to him without a second thought. He extended his hand gingerly, as if she wasn't certain she would reciprocate the gesture. She grasped his hand tightly to make a silent promise that she wouldn't let go.

"Do you know why I really wanted to do this whole competition?" Jake asked, his voice faltering slightly.

"To prove a point about Cheez-its?"

He sighed, leaning into her shoulder, "Well, no. I actually have been thinking and when we went to the park last week, you never had the Cheez-its like you said. I remember because I convinced you to get a slushie and then you complained about feeling sick the rest of the day."

Normally, Jake would take this gap in the conversation to tease her about that day, but it didn't exactly seem like the time. At that very moment, Amy swore she felt her heart sinking in her chest. She knew he was right, but she couldn't fathom why exactly she had lied about the day before. It just felt so natural, and she had a growing suspicion why.

"Jake," Amy said but couldn't come up with anything more articulate.

"I just feel like- God, it's dumb- but I feel like you think I'm childish or incapable or being your husband or whatever. I'm just now realizing that this whole competition thing just makes me seem even more childish, but I just want to be enough for you. I don't want you to get worried that I can't take care of you and suddenly break up with me. You're just so...perfect."

He took a few labored breaths caused by his rambling. Still, he could relax in his spot as he had let everything out that he wanted to. The hard part now shifted to Amy. The sinking feeling from a few moments returned as quickly as she had left. Not only that but the guilt of the way she made him feel practically consumed him. She might have gotten a bit carried away with the teasing, but she had no idea it hit him that close to home.

"You know there's no man I'd rather be with than you, Jake," Amy's voice took on a low, soft tone," and you should know that. I don't care if you're childish or if you never eat breakfast food for breakfast because you're my fiancé. You're amazing, hilarious, and you make me feel so much better about myself basically every single day. Don't you _ever_ doubt that, okay?"

Jake wrapped her in a hug with his left arm and relaxed into her shoulder. The minute she started speaking, she knew there was no way she could handcuff him to the table. He had been nothing but wonderful and completely vulnerable with her, so she couldn't even think to betray him. Neither of them went for a kiss or anything, as their compassion for each other was clear without it. Instead, they just ended up cuddling on the couch, their limbs tangled together and faces only inches apart. They drifted off just like that, finally at peace for once in their hectic day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is at least kinda in character. This is my first b99 fic after binge-watching the show, so I'm hoping for the best.


	3. Chapter 3

Jake groaned and shifted in his spot as he blinked the grogginess away. He stretched his arms over his head before looking over at Amy. She looked so peaceful and serene with a flat expression and her body curled up into his. He almost wished they could stay this way forever, but he knew Amy would kill him if he didn't wake her up.

Jake jumped up from his spot and tapped Amy lightly on the shoulder, "Ames? Don't freak out, but we fell asleep on the job."

Of course, the minute Amy snapped her eyes open, she completely disregarded Jake's suggestion. It wasn't exactly Amy's style to just chill out when she did something that essentially broke every single rule in the book. She didn't say anything but her shifting eyes and fidgeting hands conveyed she was freaking out. He was surprised she hadn't started to stress braid yet.

"There's pudding on the ground," Jake announced, picking up the one foot that had landed in it, "why am I stepping in pudding? I mean, come on. These are my signature shoes!"

"They are?" Amy glanced down at the sneakers.

"I'm honestly _so_ offended right now, babe. I wear these same shoes like every day."

He began to hop across the room on one foot toward the table nearby. After he practically fell down in one of the chairs, he grabbed one of the napkins placed on it. He began to scrape the pudding off his shoe, his nose wrinkling in disgust.

It only took a few seconds for both Hitchcock and Scully to burst in. They smirked widely as if they had just executed the more perfect plan in the universe. They strode in like they owned the break room (which they might as well by this point) before stopping slightly short of the pudding.

"Ha, you fell for our master plan!" Scully shouted.

"Yeah, you know, it's not really that big of a deal," Jake said. "I stepped in it for like two seconds and it's coming off."

"But the emotional pain of watching the love of your life have to jump in pudding will never come off," Hitchcock said.

Amy simply moved over to the other side of the couch and stepped off it onto the clean ground beside the couch.

"Nah, I'm good, Hitchcock."

"Darn it," Scully frowned. " I knew we should've brought more pudding."

"That would be a bad idea on so many levels," Jake said.

Jake could've easily went on and on about exactly how bad of an idea this whole thing was, but he figured he'd get out of breath after a few days. Thankfully, the phone vibrating in his pocket was a welcome distraction from that whole conversation. Opening his phone, he discovered a group text between himself, Amy, and Holt. The first message was written in signature Holt style. 

**Daptain:** Dear Detectives Peralta And Santiago,   
Please meet me in the interrogation room.  
Sincerely,  
Raymond Holt

The moment Amy read the text, she bolted out of the room. Although Jake tried to follow, he kept slipping on the pudding left on his shoe, almost falling flat on his face with each step he took.

"I'll be there soon!" Jake shouted, still trying to recover his balance.

It wasn't that useful of an exclamation given that Amy had long since rounded the corner. Jake moved at a much slower pace, but he eventually caught up to her. She smirked at him a little, their teasing dynamic returning as quickly as it had left. Jake dug a key out of his pocket and unlocked the door, but the moment he saw what was inside, he wished he hadn't.

Rosa and Charles were locked in an argument, but it ended up that Rosa was screaming at Charles and he simply offered feeble comebacks from time to time. Jake couldn't even fathom what they could be arguing about until he took one glance at the table. The two Cheez-its places in front of an (emotionless as ever) Captain Holt seemed to make the situation pretty clear. Still, Jake had to confirm the utter ridiculousness of the situation.

"What the heck guys?" Jake asked. "Amy and I were the ones most invested in this whole thing anyways."

"Well, we decided that we needed a winner, so we tried to get Captain Holt to tell us which one was better. Except this time, we didn't just let him deny it," Charles explained.

Holt cleared his throat. "Peralta, Santiago, a little assistance?"

Jake rushed forward to help him, but, to his surprise, Amy wasn't right by his side. In fact, she grabbed him by the arm and tugged him right back to his spot with a surprisingly strong grip. Once she released him, he rubbed his wrist with a small frown.

"What was that for?" He asked.

"We can't quit this close to victory," Amy insisted.

"Uh, that's morally questionable, right?"

"We can go to any amusement park you want for the weekend."

Jake crossed his arms, "sorry, Captain, you're on your own."

Holt glances over at the Cheez-its one more time, "fine. I'll do it if it means you will get back to work. Immediately."

He grabbed the regular Cheez-it, investigating it in his palm. He squeezed his eyes shut and popped it in his mouth hesitantly, treating it as more of an object than a food item. He chewed it slowly and glared at each person in the room individually. At least, Jake assumed he was glaring. He had gotten considerably better at deciphering Holt's emotions, but no one could really be a master.

"Water!" He shouted. "I need water to cleanse my palate."

Rosa, as the closest to the door, reluctantly threw it open. The moment she did, Holt sprinted out the door, arguably faster than anyone had ever seen him run before.

"You should know I only have to hydrate once every two hours, Diaz!" He shouted over his shoulder.

When Rosa peered out into the hallway, he was already long gone. She cursed under her breath, pulling a walkie talkie out of her pocket at what seemed like the speed of light.

"Code red. Code red!"

"What does that even mean?" Jake looked over at her skeptically. "And who are you even talking to?"

"Don't worry about it," Rosa responded with a flat expression.

"Uh, okay?" Jake finally sputtered out.

He paced out of the interrogation room. Although something didn't feel quite right, and he was almost certain he heard the soft patter of footsteps behind him, he ignored them. For a detective, it wasn't the best choice, but he figured his supposed super-hearing would save him. That was until two pairs of hands yanked him into a nearby supply closet.

Cleaning products were stacked up to the ceiling, likely more than Jake had used in his entire life. The fluorescent light seared into his vision, creating little dots in it whenever he stared at it too long. What mattered more to him was who exactly roped him in here. Gina was expected, as this seemed to completely be her MO. However, he was shocked to see Rosa looking at him from the back corner of he supply closet. Of course, her expression didn't give any indication of what at was going on, so Jake had to ask.

"How did you get here so fast? I mean seriously, is there a secret passage I don't know about?" He asked.

The only response Jake received was extended silence. He considered repeating the question again (as if it would help in any way), but Gina cut him off the moment he opened his mouth.

"We need to talk, Jake," Gina said.

"Didn't answer the question but, okay. Go on," Jake motioned at her to continue.

"You've been sleeping with the enemy, so we need a plan."

"Dude, quit making it sound like we had sex at work. Amy would never let that happen. She already freaked that we just fell asleep on the couch. Also, she's my fiancé, not my enemy," Jake responded.

"Anyway, welcome to show biz because we are making a movie!" Gina flashed jazz hands towards him, almost hitting Rosa in the face.

He paused, "fine. But only if I get to pick the soundtrack."

"No Taylor Swift," Gina extended a hand, waiting for him to shake it.

"Fine but know that it's reluctant. She's a queen, Gina! A queen!"

Despite that, he leaned forward and shook her hand (perhaps a bit excessively). Even with his reservations, Jake was now down for the ride, and there was no turning back.

_______

Amy stood in Holt's office, pacing back and forth along its length. It wasn't exactly normal behavior for her, but smoking or stress braiding weren't an option in her circumstances. Every so often, she snuck a glance toward the Captain, but he simply watched her, waiting for her to say something. Finally, Amy paused and decided to speak up.

"You may not know this, but I consider you to be a mentor for me."

"Trust me, Santiago, I know. You've told me. Multiple times, actually," Holt pushed the stack of papers on his desk aside, putting his full attention on Amy.

"I know you're not exactly one for relationship advice," Amy started. "But you and Kevin have been together for a while and I _really_ don't want to mess things up with Jake."

He was practically unreadable except for the crossing of his arms, "go on."

"Well, you know about this whole Cheez-it situation already."

"Yes, I'm well aware."

"Well, Jake thinks I'm against him just because I think he's childish. Maybe he was right that somewhere along the line that's where I was coming from, but then I just got in the competitive spirit. Of course, I want to win, but I don't want to mess things up," Amy said.

"Well," he took a deep breath. "I think, however much it pains me to say, you need to show him that you're willing to see his side...for the sake of love."

"How do you recommend I do that? I mean, I'm not exactly the best at concessions."

"Hm, I would say something subtle and well-planned. Here's exactly how it's going to go." Holt explained.

The two spent the next fifteen minutes planning, plotting, and nailing down every minute detail. By the time Amy exited his office, she did so with a smile. There was nothing that made her happy than a ton of planning, and she was convinced this time, it would go perfectly. 

  
________

Part one of Amy's plan involved approaching Jake's desk. Although she had a whole plan to lure Jake to the break room with her, she couldn't go through with it. The dynamic between her and Jake was too real, too authentic to fake anything. She just had to let the conversation flow naturally.

"Did you want to each lunch together? Just you and me in the break room?" She offered, a genuine smile on her face.

He nodded, his smile practically matching her elation. After he grabbed his lunch, which Amy was convinced was filled with a variety of junk food and sweets, he followed after her. She pulled open the door and he closed it behind her as if they were two parts of the same machine. She couldn't believe she almost jeopardized everything they had together for a stupid argument.

As soon as they both sat down at the table, Amy set the more natural (or at least, she thoughts so) part of her plan into motion. Unzipping her bag, she fished through it until she found the object she went to 15 bodegas to find: a bag of white cheddar Cheez-its. As Jake was often oblivious or simply spaced out, she slammed them down on the table with a thump. Jake's head snapped up as soon as he heard the noise, but he had to stare forward for a few moments to truly understand what was going on.

"I know it's just a bag of Cheez-its, Amy, but gosh, you shouldn't have. Doesn't this compromise your whole team or something?" Jake asked.

"I wanted to show you that you and I mean more than this whole thing. Besides," she munched on one of them from the bag, "They could be worse"

"'Could be worse' title of your sex- oh shit!" Jake suddenly cut himself off.

"What's wrong?" Amy's eyebrows furrowed with concern.

"Now I feel like I should've been a bit more subtle."

"Huh?"

Jake threw his chair aside, not even staying to watch it tip onto the floor. By that time, he had already darted out into the bullpen where Gina was perched atop a table. It reminded him of his earlier speech, but it was nowhere near as favorable to him.

"Come one, come all, to the greatest spectacle you have seen in your life!" Gina shouted, spreading her arms out.

A projector descended from the ceiling, one that Jake had set up years ago for a failed Haloween Heist plan. At this point, he wished he had never told Gina about it, even though it only happened a few moments ago.

"Stop, stop!" Jake sprinted into the middle of the bullpen, eyes fixed straight on Gina and her remote.

Gina paused, as if pondering his request, "you can't stop fate, Jake."

As soon as she pressed the button, Jake appeared on the screen surrounded by mountains of regular Cheez-its. Although his outfits didn't have much variance, the fact that he was wearing the exact same plaid shirt revealed the video was filmed today.

"Amy Santiago, this one's for you," On-screen Jake said as if he was a rapper at the start of a song.

Jake spun around to see Charles wheezing behind him. He clearly opened his mouth to try to speak, but all that came out were small whimpers. It was official. Jake and Amy's relationship had broken Charles. He didn't exactly have time to dwell on it, though, as he knew exactly what the video was going to say next.

"Listen, at first, I thought this whole competition was going to be super legit because obviously, white cheddar Cheez-its are the best-" he cut himself off and cleared his throat. "But then I realized this whole thing was stupid. I mean, seriously? Not to call people out but I'm totally calling people out. Rosa, Gina? Trying to make me manipulate my fiancé? Not cool. At least, it helped me realize something. My undying love for Amy is way more important than some Cheez-its, and I want to prove it."

Jake stared into the camera dramatically as if he was in an action movie (if he wasn't completely distracted he probably would've referenced Die Hard again). Instead, he jumped in front of the screen while swinging his arms widely.

"Ha, don't listen to that!" Jake exclaimed. "Please don't kill me!"

The on-screen Jake spoke again, "Amy, I'll do all the chores for a week."

"Nope, nope, nope!"

The video cut off into a black screen, leaving everyone stunned in the darkness. Although Jake couldn't quite make out their expressions, he guessed that they weren't the intended reaction. He tried to make his way back to his desk but mostly ended up running into random objects in the darkness.

The light flickered on to reveal Captain Holt standing in the doorway, "Look, I won't ask any questions if you all get back to work right now, understood?"

Although everyone scattered like deer in headlights, the proximity of Amy's desk to Jake's did wonders. She was able to slide over without even leaving her chair and hopefully without anyone noticing.

"You know," she said in a low tone, "I love a man who does his chores."

"Oh, do you now? Guess I'll have to do some more chores," he replied almost teasingly.

Sure, Jake Peralta knew that he wouldn't realistically be doing any more chores, but he sure as hell knew how much he loved Amy Santiago. And, to him, that was all that really mattered.


End file.
